Knowing Oneself is a Challenge; Knowing Oneself is Power

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”—Aristotle

      To me, the above quotation was always just words. Scrawled onto the door of my cousin’s closet in permanent marker, these were words I noticed each time I went in to grab one of her sweatshirts or borrow a dress. Though conscious of their place on the door, I never considered their meaning. Instead, I wondered what brought my cousin to scribble quotations on the interior of her closet door. Was it in a moment of rage? Or, perhaps, was it a sudden impulse? Was it just an attempt to individualize the otherwise pristine, white wooden door? By asking these questions each time I set foot in her closet, I was analyzing my cousin with the hope of understanding her motivations and desires. I was focusing my thoughts on trying to get to know her. I was subconsciously choosing to ignore the quotations’ encouragement to get to know myself.

It is only through attempting to respond to this blog that I recognize our tendency to focus on others and overlook ourselves. It is through remembering these quotations and realizing that I never—not once in the thirty plus times I saw them— took the initiative to extract a personal meaning that I realize my own hesitance to get to know myself. After all, to know ourselves we must face the truth we often wish we could ignore. We must acknowledge the motivations behind our actions. We must be aware of the emotions behind our thoughts. We must consider desires and aspirations, keeping in mind strengths that further our efforts and faults that obstruct our path. Reflecting on our good and bad intentions, positive and negative thoughts, and strengths and weaknesses, though undoubtedly difficult, is a source of power.

With societal pressures trying to influence our every move, self-awareness empowers us to withstand these attempts to manipulate our character and enables us make our own decisions. It allows us to maintain individual values and beliefs and lets us stay true to our own character. That being said, knowledge of oneself also gives us the means by which to better ourselves. Playing off our strengths and acknowledging our weaknesses gives us the opportunity to make the most of school, work, and our relationships.

Personally, my biggest strength and weakness are intricately linked. In essence, my biggest strength is my biggest weakness; my biggest weakness is my biggest strength. For me, my sense of drive reflects both the best and worst in me.

It would probably not be a surprise when I say I never settle. Even then at the age of five, I did not settle; I was always eager to learn something new and embrace a challenge. I remember coming home one day in kindergarten insisting that I needed to learn to tie my shoes. I grabbed a sneaker and practiced making “bunny ears” with the laces. Once I mastered these loops, I muttered the rhyme about bunnies, trees, and bunny holes, until I managed to tie every sneaker in the house. Twelve years later, I still retain that drive; I still challenge myself and push myself to produce my best work. I still set high standards for myself. Academically, for the past four years I have my mind set on taking on a rigorous course load and doing well. To do this, I come home and taken time to read novels as opposed to finding the synopsis on Sparknotes; I do math problems legitimately without pulling odd numbered answers from the back of my textbook. I devote hours to study for each test, carefully craft each essay, and practice for each presentation. I am motivated to exhibit my best work; I cannot bring myself to settle for second-rate. This outlook is not exclusive to school. It likewise permeates my activities outside of the classroom. As a member of Student Government, Model UN, and the Trident, I have never been one to sit back and just watch things happen. I insist of shooting higher and aiming for better than what we have achieved in the past. In past years, Model UN has settled on small conferences that, while worthwhile experiences, are limited in opportunities to explore committees of the UN and discuss topics beyond the ever-popular nuclear proliferation or Somali piracy. That being said, we push ourselves each week to fundraise and research in order to bring members to a national conference in New York City this spring.

Though learning to tie my shoes, doing well on school assignments, and fundraising enough to allow eight MUN club members to attend the national conference, has brought me a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment, I would be lying if I said that pushing myself is always good. I have come to realize that my excessive ‘never settle for anything but the best’ attitude is a euphemism for my fear of failure. I remember back in first grade, I checked out a book from the library about a racoon who went to the beach out of the school library. I remember attempting to read my book aloud; I recall reading and rereading each page until I managed to make it thorugh the entire page without a single mistake. As I write my college essays, I work in much the same way as I did back in first grade; I reread and reread each of my essays, obsessively editing, revising, and rewriting my work as I go. By setting high expectations, I fear that my work will fall short of expectations—both my own and those of others. When I mess up, I tend to dwell on what I did wrong as opposed to celebrating what I got right; when I screw up, the bad overshadows the good.

I realize that I must find a sense of balance. I tell myself that white setting high standards makes for great accomplishment, it is important to give myself a break. I remind myself that no one is perfect; everyone has their fair share of flaws and mess ups. I tell myself that my family and friends will support me through everything.

            As I sit here writing, I cannot help, but struggle. I find it difficult to talk about myself. Similarly to when I hear my voice recorded on the answering machine and have a hard time accepting that the shrill voice is actually me, in writing this blog, I found that it is not easy to consider my strengths and weaknesses. When I think about my strengths, I feel arrogant and boastful; when I think about my weaknesses, I feel vulnerable and uneasy.  However, I have come to realize that even if this post is not perfect, it got me to get to know myself a bit better. It has shown me that, though it may be uncomfortable, taking some time to think about myself, is empowering. It has encouraged me to improve upon my weakness; it has convinced me to take this blog as an opportunity to put cast aside concerns as to whether I answered these questions exactly to your liking and simply write what feel is true.